The Wizard of Malls

I try to avoid the mall. I don't go to the mall because I'm poor. Well, not super poor, but I'm not a disposable income kinda human at this point. I have a lot of what's called "consumer debt".... which basically means the pizza I ordered 5 years ago when I was broke and hungover cost me $200.00 on my credit card. Take that and multiply it by a thousand and you might have an idea about my current financial profile. I shop at The Dollar General. The last thing I googled was "free car giveaway contests"...Surprisingly I didn't find much and I think I gave my work computer a virus. I guess only Oprah gives away free cars and her damn show isn't on air anymore. Oprah, if you're reading this, can you please help me? I saw an episode where you took away all this woman's debt for her? That or a free car would do wonders for me! Thanks. I digress...... But I'm going to the Mall today with a friend. I'm excited because it feels like years since I've been in a mall. How do I act? Do they still have Auntie Anne's Pretzels? I heard someone say they offer valet parking now. That's a service that I can do without----mainly because they don't take credit cards. Oh man I wonder if they still have all those dumb kiosks in the middle? I recall this one time this guy got me for every dollar in my wallet---LITERALLY. I adamantly declined his lovely hand scrub (infused with pure gold, no doubt) but once he got his grubby little hands on mine and dipped them in the warm water and starting rubbing I was sold. I had to have that shit! Ok, so I need to stay out of the middle and walk really fast past those guys. What else? Do I have all my credit cards? Discover? Check! Bank of America? Check! Fuck yeah, let's go to the Mall! Shoes and purses and makeup, oh my! We're not in Big Lots anymore, Toto!